Making sure "I do" don't become "I don't" by Aw Yu Qi

Before a couple get marry, they will make a marriage vows. For example:
To Bridegroom
Will you, __________________ take this woman ______________ to be your wedded wife, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, so long as you both shall live?
Answer: I Do.

However, how to make sure "I do" don't become "I don't" ?

Divorce seems to be the modern trend in relationships today. Many people think that getting a divorce is the only way to get out of an unhappy relationship. But as the great philosopher Aristotle has told us, "There is always a third option." For people who think that getting a divorce is equivalent to being happy, think again. Will you be happy after divorce? A recent study revealed that divorced people are not necessarily happier.

The failure of marriage may be the cause of inconsistency among couples in communicating and interacting with one another both physically and emotionally. Couples tend to hate each other when they do not compromise each others mistakes. This often leads to unhappy marriages and even result to divorce.

Firstly, face your marriage troubles as they happen. The marriage couple need to understand what the problems so they don’t allow certain problems or issues to well up inside them. In order for them to speak out from their heart, communication is the most important key.

Why is it communication the most important? Because most conflicts elevate to fights because of the lack of communication. If a marriage couple communicate with each other, this can reduce the misunderstanding between them. With communication, you will able to understand each other feelings and thoughts. You can't know a person 's actual feeling and thoughts by just looking at their face. Sometimes feelings can be hidden. Be a good listener and try to understand your partner.  When marriage couple had a fight or conflict, it may lead to cold war between them. Never let this cold war continue. Always take a step forward and talk to each other. Don't ever think that if you are the first one to speak, you lose face.

Secondly, Surprise your partner once in a while with certain things. Sometimes a relationship ends because a couple gets bored, or feels as if there’s not enough care or concern anymore to sustain their relationship. Research had shows that occasionally surprising your partner is a good call. I sure everyone do loves surprise from their partner. Examples are like giving flowers to your wife when she least expects it. Or if you’re the wife, then plan to treat your husband to a basketball or football game. This will definitely make the marriage couple's life much more interesting.

Thirdly, know when to give your partner some space. Everyone need to have their own personal space to do their own stuff.  Don’t be so nagging or overprotective with your partner. Allow your husband or wife to quietly watch his or her favorite TV program or read his or her favorite books.

Lastly, Trust your partner, don't be suspicious towards your partner.  Marriage is about trust, whether you trust him or her. Be honest and faithful to your partner. Also, be intimate with your partner. Intimacy is an expression of passion or love. Kiss and hug your partner more often, and don’t forget to verbalize all those words of love and appreciation straight to your partner’s ears. Don't feel shy to say "I Love You" to your partner.

To conclude, no relationship is perfect. To cook a delicious food, you need good ingredients. Those points mention above are the ingredients to prevent marriage couple from getting divorce. However,  even if a delicious food is place in front you, if you have no interest or you don't love to eat the food. It is pointless. Thus, love is important in marriage.

 "Getting divorced just because you don't love a man or a woman is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. " by  Zsa Zsa Gabor





 

 

Making sure I 'do' dont become I 'dont'. By Tiffany Ng

Who does not want to have a conflict-free marriage? Even though all marriage couples will hope for a conflict-free marriage, there will always be disagreements. This is because marriage makes two individuals with separate personalities having different tastes and likings to come together and lead life as husband and wife. Thus, there are bound to be disagreements. However, such conflicts can be resolved through genuine efforts from both husband and wife. As the chinese saying goes “床头打架床尾合”, it means that the no matter how serious the couples have fought, they won't hold grudges  with each other.

I believe that most of you will agree that having proper communication between married couples will help to solve disagreements in a marriage. Married couples should spend more time together sharing about their problems or joy and at the same time try to discuss about the solutions to the problems. Couple should not avoid their disagreements as problems should not be accumulated. It will not automatically go away. The build up of unattended marital problems through the years could be a dangerous thing in your marriage. One mistake of married couple is to let the problems linger that it became a recurring issue in their marriage. It is easier to overcome marriage problems if you will deal with it in real time. Marital problems should be dealt as soon as they arise.Hence, both parties should face the marital problem and solve it. Proper communication will also help them to understand each other better. Not only that, when couples faced disagreements, they should also talk about it peacefully which will help to solve the problem peacefully.

Next, couples should also allow ample personal space to their partner as it will strengthen the relationship.They should not suffocate each other by not allowing personal space to pursue personal activities. Allowing personal space is healthy for the couple and they will value the time spend together. In addition, it will also help to build the trust of the married couples. Mutual trust between couples is also very important in resolving conflicts.

Thirdly, married couples can also seek help from professionals. If couples are unable to work out a solution on their conflicts or disagreements, they should consult a marriage counselors and experts who can help them to overcome marriage problems. Marriage counsellors will be able to provide couples with advices as well as some ways to deal with the problems in the marriage. In addition, marriage counsellors can also help to improve the communications between couples so that they can settle their disagreements peacefully.

In conclusion, I believe that disagreements or conflicts in a marriage can be solved through the several methods I have proposed. With good communication between couples, problems can be easily soved and not accumulate to a point whereby there is no turning back. Also, no matter how much both partners love each other, they shoul alway respect each others' freedom and give them enough personal space to pursue what they want to do. Holding on too tightly to your partner will always put on stress to the relationship, just like a rubber band, when you stretch it too much, it wll break. Last but not least, seeking help from somebody who is better at handling problems than you are is always a better option if things get out of hand.

Making sure "i do" don't become "i don't" By Regina Jiang

I think that there are a few ways to make I do, don't become i don't. From the statistics shown in the previous post, the main reasons for divorce were, unreasonable behaviour of spouse and Having lived apart or separated for three years or more for non-muslim & personality difference, neglect and irresponsibility for  muslims.


you can clearly see that there were lack of communication and irresponsibility in the marriage.


In my personal opinions, Firstly, i think that communication is very important. without communicating well, there will be more problems and misunderstanding among couples. and when problems and misunderstandings are not solved, cold war would start and slowly, it will result to living apart, leading to divorce if they are living apart for too long. i think that this shouldn't be the case for married couples as i think that they should be more mature to know that communication is important.


Secondly, i think that responsibility is equally important. when couples get married, they would have mutual trust and thus, i think that couples should uphold this trust their partners have in them and not make use of them. Also, i think that couples should be faithful to each another especially after their marriage. i think that irresponsibility in the marriage shouldn't happen as couples should be mature enough to uphold these values and set a good example for younger generations or even their own children. They should know that their actions have the most impact to their children. on the other hand, i think that it is up to individual to choose if they want to be responsible or not, but i strongly feel that responsibility should be a value everyone should uphold.


Thirdly, i realise that married couples are getting younger and younger these days and that muslim couples are generally younger then non-muslim couples. i feel that young couples are not mature enough to get married. In singapore, if you are under the age of 21 and you would like to get married, Both parents consent is needed. and if you are above 21, you do not need any consent from your parents. since married couples are getting younger these days, it also shows that parents are more open to their child getting married. i think that parents should educate their child properly and not agree to what they are doing as they are not mature to think for themselves yet although they would argue that they are mature enough. If you think about it, if they are really mature enough, they would wait till they are at least 21 before getting married and not get married at a young age. Although i understand that some of them may already be pregnant during their marriage, i think that it still lies back to the responsibility of parents.


Lastly, i think that young married couples should look at things in the long run and not in the short run. personally i have friends who are only together for less than a year and they are already married with a child. They may seem happy for the time being but no one knows what will happen next. i think that young married couples should know their partners better so as to avoid the reason of personality difference. They should have learn to have a mentality of a parent and not a mentality of a child. i think that there is no point to get married early. no one is rushing you to get married or have children at the age of 17 or 18. so why do you want to risk your future by having an early marriage when you could spend a few years thinking through it properly? afterall, is your partner truly loves you, i believe he/she wouldn't mind waiting for a few years to get married officially. 


In conclusion, i think that the best way to ensure that "i do" don't become "i don't" is to have proper communication, uphold the value of being responsible and avoid getting married young.

Singapore Divorce rate research

Number of Divorce

 During the period 1990-2003 the number of civil divorces climbed from
2,178 to an all time high of 4,188 for civil divorces.  Muslim divorced increased
from 972 to 2105.  This registered an increase of 92 percent for civil divorces
and 116 percent for Muslim divorces


General Divorce Rate
In Singapore, over the period 1980-2003, the general divorce rate
doubled from 3.8 to 8.
In terms of age-specific divorce rates, younger married persons aged
20-24 years registered the highest divorce rate in 2003, and their divorce rate
also showed the largest increase over the last decade.



Divorces by marriage cohor

Based on data of marriages registered since 1987, 9 percent of the
1994 marriage cohort divorced within the first 10 years of marriage compared
to 7 percent of the 1987 cohort.  For Muslim marriages, 16 percent of the
1994 marriage cohort compared to 11 percent of the 1987 cohort divorced
within the first 10 years.

Age at divorce

Among male divorcees in 2003, those aged 35-44 years formed the
largest proportion.  For female divorcees, the largest group was aged 25-34
years.  For both males and females,  there were large increases in the
proportion of divorcees aged 45 years and over in the last decade.  The mean
ages at divorce for non-Muslim and Muslim male divorcees were 41 years and
39 years respectively.  For female divorcees, they were 38 years and 35
years for non-Muslims and Muslims respectively.

Duration of Marriage

Approximately half of the civil marriages dissolved in 2003 lasted less
than 10 years.  A large proportion (34 percent) of the couples divorced within
the 5th–9th year of marriage. For the Muslim divorces, the largest proportion
(35 percent) was among couples who were married for less than 5 years.



Previous marital status

 In 2003, 77 percent of the 4188 non-Muslim divorces were among
bachelor grooms and spinster brides. In comparison, 66 percent of Muslim
divorces were among first marriages.

Reasons for divorce and petitioner

For non-Muslim divorces in 2003, unreasonable behaviour of spouse
was the most common reason cited for non-Muslim divorces, increasing from
29 percent in 1993 to 49 percent in 2003.  Having lived apart or separated for
three years or more was the next most common reason.  The wife instituted
the majority of non-Muslim divorces (64 percent) in  2003.  Unreasonable
behaviour of spouse was cited as the  main reason by 56 percent of the
females while living apart or separated was the main reason for 59 percent of
the males.


For Muslim divorces, personality difference was the main reason cited
for 43 percent of the divorces in 2003, followed by infidelity (16 percent).  The
proportion who cited neglect and irresponsibility increased considerably from
1 percent in 1993 to 13 percent in  2003.  The proportion due to inadequate
maintenance decreased significantly from 16 percent in 1993 to 3 percent in
2003.  About three out of every five Muslim divorces in 2003 were instituted
by the wife (59 percent).  Proportionately more males (50 percent) than
females (32 percent) petitioned on the  grounds of personality difference.
More females (18 percent) than males  (11 percent) petitioned on grounds of
neglect and irresponsibility.

http://fcd.ecitizen.gov.sg/NR/rdonlyres/DDC4BC9F-5BAC-44C7-90C3-C88B294DB2DE/0/Chpt3.pdf

Making sure I do doesn’t become I don’t by Harminder Kaur

Have you heard the phrase, “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” before? These are some of the hardest words to hear from your spouse in a marriage.


Do not keep secrets from each other. Secrets are never a good thing. Trust becomes very difficult to rebuild once broken. As painful as this situation may be, there are the only two real options to remedy the situation. Sure, some think that they can simply forgive and forget, but with a wound this deep, that’s just not realistic because it is just not possible. Lying and betrayal is way too big of a problem to ignore or simply sweep under a rug. So the learning take away? BE HONEST!


Communicate. I have come to a realization that great communication is one of the most important factors in whether or not a marriage will survive after reading many stories online on the marriage success and marriage failures. Although trust is also at the top of the list, trust will break only after communication starts breaking down. Most couples engage in meaningful conversation less than 15 minutes per week. This is bad, bad news. When couples do not have meaningful conversations,  the emotional relationship the couple share tends to be destroyed. Communication break downs occur because you don’t like what the other person is saying. When two people are able to handle a heart to heart conversation, trust-building increases. And when honesty in a relationship increases, you grow more as an individual and closer together. Therefore, the trick trick to a good marriage is to communicate effectively, instead of holding back any unspoken thoughts.    


Never put him your significant other in front of others. Even in jest or at an attempt to be playful, his or her self-respect takes a huge blow, as does his opinion of how much he thinks she respects him.  Would you put down your boss’ boss in public? Of course not. And why not? Because there is respect for that person. Therefore, it is very important that the same respect is shown for your spouse.


Grow  up. Many people take very long to step into adulthood. It is a general trend that people will always want things their way and they continuously think that life is all about them. This is human nature we cannot defy. Problems occur when people don’t realise that the world does not revolve around them. Therefore, when we defy human nature, this gives us the edge over the others. When faced with marriage, individuals are forced to give up their personal space. That’s a simple fact of marriage. To ensure the marriage remains a successful one, it is important to recognize this and harness the energy it creates. Rather than seeing your spouse as someone who doesn’t get you, see them as someone who may want more from you. 

Till then, folks!